


Bernard Black Doing Things

by DirkWooster



Category: Black Books, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Star Trek, bernard black - Fandom, mary poppins - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-02-08 22:23:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12874287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DirkWooster/pseuds/DirkWooster
Summary: Ever wondered what Bernard would be like if he weren't the proprietor of a dingy bookstore? Well, here's your chance to find out. New scenarios will be added as inspiration strikes.





	1. Bernard Black as History of Magic Professor at Hogwarts

**Bernard Black as a History of Magic professor at Hogwarts**

 

 

 

Walks into class, wild-eyed and with a half empty bottle of wine in hand.

“You –” points at random student “– you with the face ….. what are you all doin’ here?”

“H-here for class, p-professor,” the terrified first year stammers.

“Class?” Bernard barks, “What class? Who said you can come in here before 3 pm?”

“Schedule, sir.”

“GET OUT – You worthless imbeciles, get out of here and don’t come back unless you have a decent bottle of chardonnay with you. I never want to see you _here_ or _anywhere._  Ever again. Understand?”


	2. Bernard Black as a Starship Captain

“Bridge to Captain Black – we are getting a hail from the omega quadrant, they would like to speak to you, sir.”

_*snore*_

“Er– Captain Black?”

_*grunt and then snore*_

“B-bernard?”

_*louder grunt*_

“CAPTAIN BLACK!”

“W-WHAAAAAT? WHAT? WHO? WHY? Who are you? Where am I? What time is it?”

“Half past ten GMT, Captain”

“Half past ten? How dare you wake me up at such an uncivilized hour?”

“Sir, a hail from alpha quadrant, sir.”

“A hail you say? omega quadrant? Patch it through.”

“Sir, is this really wise? Perhaps after you’ve taken some time to freshen up, had a cup or seven of tea…..”

“I SAID PATCH IT THROUGH!!!”

static and the image of a member of a hitherto unknown reptiloid species appears on the screen in Captain Black’s quarters

“ _Greetings, starship commander, and well met, we the inhabitants of the –_ ” and just like that the transmission is ended, cut off by Captain Black who is climbing back on the sofa he had been sprawled across just moments ago.

“Right, now back to sleep and anyone who wakes me up again gets tossed out of the airlock, IS THAT CLEAR?”


	3. Bernard Black as Marry Poppins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if the iconic British Nanny with the flying umbrella was actually everyone's favorite curmudgeonly used bookshop owner

"Michael, **_look_** ," young Jane pointed at the figure floating in the sky.

"Perhaps it's a witch," stated Michael Banks, eyes as wide as saucers, mouth agape.

" _Of course not_ , witches have brooms," replied his wise older sister.

The siblings watched as the figure, who they could now see was dressed in black and holding on to an umbrella, sailed towards their house and landed by their front door.

He then proceeded to throw his umbrella to the ground and began searching in his coat pocket, eventually bringing out an already-lit cigarette.

Catching sight of the children, he shouted, "Well, _don't just stand there_ , bring me a glass of wine! And make it quick, _you young scallywags_. We'll make decent adults of you yet," he flailed about brandishing his cigarette before taking a drag and coughing vigorously, "And bring some sugar, _**a spoonful helps the smoke go down**_."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this feels both dark and hilarious at the same time to me


End file.
